


you deserve a chance at the kind of love i'm not sure i'm worthy of

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Outdoor Sex, Smut, supposed to be a badporn rewrite but i'm not a part of that anymore lolol, young River
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 13:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21320965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: It’s been almost four months for her, of travelling with the Doctor. She always feels like it’s just out of her reach - the person she’s meant to be, the person the Doctor wants her to be - no matter what she does, she can’t seem to get it quite right somehow. Every time she does something she thinks - what would the Doctor do? Because surely that’s what River would do too, right?“I didn’t ask you to drink that poison, River.” He said quietly.She takes the last step down, tilting her head at him and frowning. “You didn’t have to. That’s the point, Doctor.”“No that isn’t thepoint, River!” He almost shouts, and River flinches as if she’s been slapped. But the Doctor doesn’t notice, running agitated hands through his hair, his face red and his eyes dark - and River almost feels afraid. “I don’t need you - going around and - and - risking yourself for me, do you understand? I don’t need you to - to -”“To what?” River asks defiantly. She doesn’t understand what she needs to be - she doesn’t understand him. “Save us? In case you hadn’t noticed, if I hadn’t drank that poison we’d still be in shackles.”
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 16
Kudos: 81





	you deserve a chance at the kind of love i'm not sure i'm worthy of

**Author's Note:**

> hiii!!! i've been really missing these two lately, so i went back and found something i never finished and polished it up. i hope it's okay!   
Story title from 'Goodbye' by Air Supply.

Long fingers close around River’s wrist, pulling and tugging her along and she knows nothing but to follow, enslaved by the touch of the Doctor. Everything is blurry and hazy - the fire and screaming voices pound in her head and she can’t tell where she is, what she’s doing. What happened? How did she get there?   
  
She trips over her own feet as she runs and falls to the ground. The last thing she remembers is the Doctor’s frantic voice calling out her name.    
  
*   
  
She wakes in bed with nothing but a sheet covering her. The sudden light that fills her vision makes her groan and squint. Her body aches in ways she doesn’t like and the pounding headache makes it difficult for her to focus.    
  
She lets out another long groan as she sits up, hair falling into her eyes. The Doctor is by her bedside, eyes wide as though he can’t quite believe he isn’t dreaming, fingers fidgeting as if itching to touch her.    
  
“Where am I?” She croaks, and the Doctor jumps to action almost immediately. He pours her a glass of water and hands it to her.   
  
“Our - your bedroom.” He corrects himself, wincing as he looks at River to see if she caught his mistake. God, he’s horrible at this - being the older one in their relationship. He’s getting the hang of it, he knows, but River made it look so easy that sometimes he can’t help but feel as though he’s going about it all wrong. “In the Tardis,” he adds helpfully, before remembering that River shares a special connection with his ship, so of course she would know.   
  
“What happened?” She asks, her voice becoming clearer now as she takes healthy gulps from her glass of water.   
  
“We were rescuing the slaves in the -”   
  
“Yes, I remember that part, Doctor,” River says, licking her lips. “I meant, what happened after?”   
  
“We were captured,” he says, swallowing a little. He isn’t able to meet her eyes as he continues, “They made you choose if you’d feed poison to me or,” he looks down at his hands, his voice growing even quieter, “or drink it yourself.”   
  
River looks at him carefully over the rim of her glass. “And I drank it, didn’t I?”   
  
The Doctor meets her gaze for a moment, and she sees something in his eyes she hasn’t seen often - at least, not directed at her. She sees anger. She frowns as the Doctor gives a tight nod, his entire body tensing up as he takes the empty glass from her hand and refills it. She watches, studying his appearance carefully - unkempt hair and even untidier clothes. Soot lines his jacket and trousers but he makes no move to take them off, and River suspects he’s been wearing those dirty clothing for quite a while. He turns back around and River doesn’t miss the haunted look in his eyes.   
  
“How did we escape?” She asks. His lips thin even further but she continues anyway. “We were in chains and there were thousands of armed guards -”   
  
“It doesn’t matter,” the Doctor says curtly.   
  
River’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead as she brings the glass to her lips again. She watches as the Doctor clenches his jaw tighter, swallowing roughly.   
  
“You should sleep for a little while longer,” he says, preparing to leave the room. “I’ll send you back to the University after you get some more rest.”   
  
“But I thought we were going to the water caves in -”   
  
The door slams shut behind him.   
  
*   
  
River wakes a few hours later. The Doctor must’ve slipped something in her drink because she slept soundly for the first time. She puts on the dress that she found draped over the Doctor’s vacant chair and heads to the console room, where she finds the Doctor staring at the time rotor, his back hunched over the controls.    
  
“She almost died,” the Doctor whispers, and River startles at the rawness in his voice. His head drops as he continues, so quietly River has to strain to her him, “I know she didn’t but she -” he shakes his head. When he continues, there’s a touch of anger in his voice. “She got so damn close. If she hadn’t had that bit of Time Lord DNA she would’ve been done for the moment that poison touched her lips.”   
  
“Most people would just say ‘thank you’, you know,” River teases, making her presence known at the top of the steps leading to the console room.   
  
The Doctor swivels, surprise quickly turning into anger as he says, “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”   
  
River raises her eyebrows. “Sleeping pills don’t work on me as well as they used to.”   
  
The Doctor flinches the way he always does when River refers to her days as a pawn in the Silence’s game. He doesn’t like the flippant tone she uses when she brings it up, as if training to kill or be killed is as normal a topic as the weather - and she knows it.    
  
“If you wanted me to sleep through the night you should’ve given me more than three pills.” She says, starting to descend the staircase. “Don’t worry, I won’t bother you. Just go about your business, I’ll be out of your hair before you can -”   
  
“That’s not what I - I wanted you to rest.” He stresses, glaring at her. “You drank poison that attacks the immune system in an alarming rate - you need to sleep so your body can recuperate.”   
  
“I feel fine,” she lies. The bright lights of the Tardis is contributing to her pounding headache and she’s gripping the railing of the staircase tightly in her hand to maintain her balance. She meets the Doctor’s eyes stubbornly, shrugging. “All in a day’s work of travelling with the Doctor, isn’t it?”   
  
The Doctor flinches at that - at the flippant way she says it, at how he knows that it’s true. People who travel with him get hurt. This isn’t the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last.    
  
Still, guilt eats at him as he watches River. She’s strong and she’s wild, and the reminder that some day in the future she’ll give the ultimate sacrifice for him cuts through him like a knife in his chest. He doesn’t want that day to come anytime soon.   
  
“You’re not supposed to do that, River - you - you -”   
  
“What?” River asks, her eyes moving carefully over his face. The Doctor struggles, sputtering his words until he finally just gives up, throwing his hands in the air in frustration and turning to stare at the time rotor. “Put your life above mine?”   
  
It’s been almost four months for her, of travelling with the Doctor. She always feels like it’s just out of her reach - the person she’s meant to be, the person the Doctor wants her to be - no matter what she does, she can’t seem to get it quite right somehow. Every time she does something she thinks - what would the Doctor do? Because surely that’s what River would do too, right?   
  
“I didn’t ask you to drink that poison, River.” He said quietly.   
  
She takes the last step down, tilting her head at him and frowning. “You didn’t have to. That’s the point, Doctor.”   
  
“No that isn’t the  _ point _ , River!” He almost shouts, and River flinches as if she’s been slapped. But the Doctor doesn’t notice, running agitated hands through his hair, his face red and his eyes dark - and River almost feels afraid. “I don’t need you - going around and - and - risking yourself for me, do you understand? I don’t need you to - to -”   
  
“To what?” River asks defiantly. She doesn’t understand what she needs to be - she doesn’t understand him. “Save us? In case you hadn’t noticed, if I hadn’t drank that poison we’d still be in shackles.”   
  
“We could’ve found some other way -”   
  
“For God’s sake, Doctor!” River shouts, and the Doctor turns surprised eyes on her. “What other choice did I have?” She shakes her head and takes a step back, sighing in defeat. “Look, whatever it is you’re trying to teach me - whoever it is you’re trying to get me to become, it won’t ever happen. This is who I am- ”   
  
“No, this is who you’re trying to be. The River I know would never take a risk like that- ”   
  
“Well maybe I’m not the River you know!” She shouts in frustration, taking the Doctor by surprise. “I’m sorry for disappointing you, Doctor, but it’s just me.” She feels her eyes prickling with tears and she turns away, heading for the door. “And I know it isn’t enough, but I- ”   
  
“Don’t be ridiculous, River, of course you’re -” the Doctor starts, but River shakes her head sadly.   
  
“This woman you talk about - this River,” she starts, her hand on the doorknob and facing him. “I’m not her. I don’t know her. I may look like her, but - but I’m not her, understand? I don’t know what she’s like. I don’t know how she survives without a gun in her hands and I sure as hell don’t know how she has you.”   
  
“River -”   
  
She growls in frustration, rolling her eyes and clenching her fists. “How many times do I have to repeat it? I’m  _ not  _ her. Don’t call me that. God, how did she go two seconds without throwing something at your head?”   
  
She flings the door open and slams it behind her, the Doctor jumping when the door hits its frame with a loud bang.    
  
The Tardis buzzes indignantly. The Doctor strokes the console apologetically, murmuring under his breath, “She’s frustrated, Old Girl, you have to give her a chance.”   
  
The buzzing continues, more insistently this time, and the Doctor flushes. “Oh. You’re angry at me. Right.” He scratches his cheek awkwardly. “Well, I’ll go get your daughter now.”   
  
The Tardis gives a satisfied hum.   
  
*   
  
“When will you stop following me?”   
  
“River, we’re in the middle of a forest. There isn’t exactly anywhere to go.” The Doctor points out, but River ignores him and trudges along the muddy path, determined to get away from him. “Please, let’s go back to the Tardis. You’re still not fully recovered yet- ”   
  
River stops suddenly and he slams into her, almost losing his balance and muttering apologies as she fixes him with a hard glare.   
  
“Who am I to you?” she asks.   
  
The Doctor sputters, caught off guard by the absurdity of the question. “You’re you.”   
  
“I’m the woman who killed you.” she raises an eyebrow, her stare never wavering.   
  
“You’re also the woman who gave me the rest of her regenerations to save me.” the Doctor sighs a little and smiles fondly at her. “You’re River Song, whether or not you think you are.”   
  
But she gives a little shake of her head in denial. “I’m not River Song.”   
  
“Why are you fighting this?” the Doctor asks, frowning for the first time. “Why are you so determined to pick a fight?”   
  
“Me? Pick a fight? I would never.” she says sarcastically, and the Doctor purses his lips in annoyance. “I’m not that - that woman you keep talking about, the woman calls you sweetie and prances about saving the universe, I’m not your damn  _ keeper _ , Doctor- ”   
  
He’s the one shaking his head now, and he feels a little anger in his chest because is that really what she thinks she is to him?   
  
“I never said you were!”   
  
“Oh, you didn’t? But we go out together. You take me to go save some planet from a rebellion then you take me to a nice restaurant and you take me dancing and you try to sweep me off my feet. Do you do that with everyone, Doctor?”   
  
“No, of course not - you’re- ”   
  
“I'm what?" she asks, almost snarling.  _ "Special?" _

She spits the word out like it's a virus, something to be ashamed of. She gives a short, derisive sort of laughter and crosses her arms, her glare never dropping. 

The Doctor blinks. 

"I'm  _ not  _ River Song." she says firmly, her eyes boring into his. "I'm not  _ good _ , Doctor. I can't keep trying to be this perfect woman you're so obviously in love with. I'm not someone who helps people out of a good heart. I breathe gunpowder more than I breathe air and I  _ like _ using my blaster. Do you get it now?  _ I'm not her. _ "

But the Doctor's eyes are soft and fond as he gazes at her. She doesn't know it yet, but it is exactly like her to say that she isn't anything like the woman he loves. 

He touches her cheek softly, ignoring the frustrated and bewildered look on her face as he leans in closer to press a chaste kiss on her lips.

But the moment their lips touch she surprises him by deepening the kiss enthusiastically, her tongue curling around his. He moans into her mouth, his hands circling her waist and pulling her closer into him. She smirks against his lips, hands moving up his chest and pushing him backwards roughly, making him stumble over his own feet.

"River -" he sputters in surprise, his back colliding hard with the trunk of a tree.

_ "Melody,"  _ she corrects harshly, stalking towards him with a predatory glint in her eye. She watches in satisfaction when fear clouds the Doctor's face for just a fraction of a second before it goes away. Her hand reaches out in front of her and her fingers wrap themselves around his neck - not applying any pressure, just laying there. She tilts her head at him. "I could kill you right now and prove to you that I'm  _ not  _ who you think I am."

But he doesn't even flinch.    


Instead, his eyes darken in what River can only identify as  _ excitement _ \- and she presses her nails into his skin experimentally, dragging them slowly across his neck - and she lets a devious smile spread across her face when his hips press into hers insistently. 

His breathing deepens as she moves her head closer to his, their lips brushing softly against each other as she speaks. 

"Does she do this to you?" she asks, fingers digging into his skin harder now. The Doctor says nothing, merely staring at her with eyes so full of lust and wonder that River almost feels like she  _ could _ be the woman he loves. "Do I taste like her, Doctor?"

The Doctor raises an eyebrow at her, his eyes dropping down between her legs for a fraction of a second before meeting her eyes again. 

"Why don't you pull that dress up and we'll find out?"

Almost in spite of herself, River begins to feel her own body heat up, her body temperature spiking at the Doctor’s words, tone and voice. He’d turned the entire game around on her, damn him. What was supposed to be playtime for her could very well end up with her on the losing end. 

Still, River couldn’t help but admire how quickly and easily he’d turned it around onto her - and how effortlessly he’d done it. For all the floundering and easily-reddened cheeks, he seemed pretty comfortable lacing that type of suggestion in his words. 

Almost like gravity, she feels herself being pulled towards him. Their lips touch again and this time, it’s messy; it’s tongues and teeth and lips being bitten; it’s hands under clothing, pulling up shirts and making marks onto clear skin; it’s moans and sighs hidden in the back of their throats; it’s hunger and want and lust and love and every other powerful emotion coursing through them, making them yearn for one another. 

His hands move across her waist and up her back almost possessively, like he’s trying to prove that he knows her. She tries to focus on that - on how he seems to know exactly how to kiss her, exactly where to touch her that she gets weak in the knees at the slightest brush of his fingers against her skin. But nothing can distract her from the purity behind his touch - the reverence with which he holds her, the gentleness with which he treats her body, the  _ love _ he exudes with his mere touch alone. 

River feels herself losing control in every sense of the word, her fingers delving deep into his hair and her fingers pricking lightly at his scalp - but he seems to enjoy it even more, pressing his lips harder to hers as his hands move towards the hem of her dress. In a desperate attempt to regain her sanity before she strips off in a deserted forest most probably filled with flesh eating monsters, she rips her mouth away from his and presses him harder against the bark of the tree, her lips now attached to his neck.

“River,” he whispers hoarsely, one of his hands travelling up her back almost lazily as his head hits the tree. His fingers make their home in her curls, gently combing them as she continues her quest to mark him, this time on his neck. “Beautiful.”

The idea that anyone, really, could find her beautiful was almost laughable. The idea that the _ Doctor _ could find her beautiful was something she’d never let herself think about. How could anyone find her anything short of cruel after everything she’s done? After everything she knows she’ll do? Her life is depicted in scrolls and books and ancient texts of civilisations that hasn’t even begun to exist yet and she happens to know that she rarely ever does anything that deserves to be called  _ beautiful. _

“Stop thinking,” the Doctor scolds before flipping their position, her back against the tree trunk instead. She gasps and he smirks at her, his fringe falling over his eyes they travel over her face, looking over every feature. She lets her expression relax and raises her eyebrow instead, daring him to say what he’s thinking. “If I have to fuck you for you to believe that  _ you are River Song,  _ I’ll do it a thousand times. Gladly.”

He bends his head to mouth at her neck and a breath gets stuck in her throat as he finds that lovely spot so easily and -

“ _ Oh _ ,” she sighs, melting against the tree behind her as his teeth clamps upon her skin.

She feels his lips spread into a smirk against her skin but she’s far too hazed to care - she just wants his lips all over her. One of his hands travels downwards, his fingers clamping around her thigh and lifting her leg around his waist. He lifts his head from her neck to press another harsh, passionate kiss on her lips, his hands fiddling with his zipper and pulling his pants and trousers down in one go - he reaches under her dress and snaps her skimpy knickers off her hips, letting it fall to the grass.

“Do you normally fuck the woman you love out in the open?” She asks, intending to sound cheeky, but his fingers spreading her open is making it increasingly hard for her to form words in her mouth. Her breathy voice and the keening sounds that escape quite without her permission only serves to make her sound like she’s quite looking forward to all the outdoor sex - which, in all honesty, isn’t all that untrue.

But the Doctor’s smirk merely widens, his eyes meeting hers and holding eye contact as his finger swirls around her wetness. River’s other leg has long since stopped working to hold her up, and she feels a sharp shock of pleasure shoot up her spine as he swirls his thumb roughly across her clit.

“Wet,” he comments softly, and she has to stop herself from panting deeply at the tone of his voice. 

He pulls his hand away from her dress and she whines in protest, but before she knows it they’re both on the wet, muddy grass. She almost lets out an indignant shout until she finds herself on her back, the mud underneath her, and the Doctor on top of her.

“My dirty girl,” he says, in that same soft voice that has her questioning why she ever fought the idea of being the woman he loves - if this was how River Song and the Doctor fucked then she wanted every single moment of it.

He goes back on his knees to remove his tweed jacket, throwing it to the side, unbuttoning his white shirt underneath but leaving it on. His eyes stay on her the entire time - he looks at her like he’s ravenous and she’s the last meal he’ll ever have in his life. She holds his gaze, her head tilted as she feels her dress getting soaked in muddy grass.

Now more or less naked, he reaches for her desperately, pulling her legs towards him and wrapping them around his waist again. He lays down on top of her, holding himself up on his elbows as he looks down at her, his gaze appreciative.

River lifts an eyebrow. “Are you waiting for an invitation to come inside, or?”

The corners of his lips turn upwards for a second before he lines himself up and with a push of his hips, he enters her. She feels the sharp pleasure invade her mind and body almost instantly, heightened by each powerful thrust he makes. He seems determined to stand by his word - to fuck her until she knows that she’s River and no one else - and he does it hard and fast.

She can’t stop the cries from leaving her lips every time their hips meet - the Doctor’s body above her is just a blur with his cock moving deep inside her. Her hands have somehow spread more mud and grass onto the Doctor, whose own moans and grunts seem to escape him without notice.

“ _ Yes, _ ” River cries, her chest arching as he slams into her hard over and over again. “Fuck me like you fuck her, Doctor - fuck - yes - ”

But her words only seem to make the Doctor even more determined. Raising himself up slightly above her, he starts to slow his hips down in favour of thrusting harder into her. 

“I only ever fuck you like this,” he pants, his forehead sweaty and the back of his shirt marked with mud stains. “I only fuck  _ you _ . The woman I love.”

“River would never have drank the poison,” she reminds him, her mind struggling to hold onto the point she’s trying to make. “I did.”

“You know better now,” he says, his voice much gentler than before, catching her off guard. “So don’t you  _ ever _ put my life above yours ever again, understand?”

But River is no longer listening to him - she wouldn’t be able to find the words to answer even if she were. The Doctor’s hand has started working on her breasts, pinching her nipples lightly and sending delightful waves of shock through her body before making its way downwards towards where they’re joined. His fingers slip across her clit, rubbing in time with his thrusts one, two, three times before she sees white blinding her vision. The Doctor follows suit moments later, burying his cock deep inside her one last time before letting go and collapsing on top of her, careful not to put too much weight on her.    
  
They lay there amongst the grass, panting heavily as the sun begins to rise on the planet they landed on. They wait for their heartbeats to slow down, catching their breath in the peaceful silence. River leans up, turning to look at the Doctor with determined eyes.   
  
“I’m not going to apologise for putting you first, Doctor.” She says, her curls falling over her shoulders. She sits up a little and the Doctor wraps an arm around her middle, brushing away some mud and leaves that stick to her skin. “And I’m definitely not going to change. So I’m sorry, but if that means that I won’t be the River Song you know in the future then,” she shrugs, her eyes downcast. “So be it.”   
  
The Doctor is quiet as he runs his fingers through her mud-stained curls. He had always known that River would be as stubborn as a mule, but he had rather hoped that her tendency to risk herself for him would develop a little later in her timeline.    
  
He swallows thickly, shaking his head as he presses a soft kiss to her nose. “You already are River,” he tells her. “More than you know.”

And for the first time, she believes him. 

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to let me know what you think! i've got some more fics for these two as well as twelve/river coming up, i hope you guys will check them out!


End file.
